I am going through my essays finding "problem" sentences and revising them. The final drafts with revisions will be posted under the portfolio.
This I Believe
Problem sentence 1: As I pull up in the driveway and get out of the car, I can smell the aroma of the honeysuckle trees on the side of the white house wit blue shutters. (It seems to be too long and wordy.)
Revision 1: As I pull in the driveway to the white house with blue shutters, I can smell the honeysuckles in the trees. (I took some words out.)
Problem sentence 2: This day is different though. (It doesn't say why the day is different and doesn't support the topic.)
Revision 2: (I took out the sentence.)
Problem sentence 3: I thought I talked like everyone else and never realized I ever had an accent. (It doesn't sound like it makes sense.)
Revision 3: I thought I talked like everyone else around me never realizing I have an accent. (I worded it where it sounds better.)
This I Wonder
Problem sentence 1: I never knew them and probably never will because the adoption laws in Missouri is that all adoptions are closed, meaning that no one knows who the birth parents are and they can't know anything about me. (It is wordy and could be reorganized.)
Revision 1: I never knew my birth parents and probably never will. In Missouri, all adoptions are closed which means neither party can know about the other one. I am on a list saying I would like to know them if they want, but that hasn't happened yet and as I get older the chances are less likely. (I took some words out and added sentences.)
Problem sentence 2: I am also on a list for the state to let their medical history be told to me because of medical issues I would like to be aware of. (It is wordy and could be added to prior sentence or left out due to lack of relevance.)
Revision 2: I am on a list saying I would like to know them if they want to know me and so I can learn family medical history, but that hasn't happened yet and as I get older the chances are less likely. (I added to the prior sentence.)
Problem sentence 3: Telling him was easy. What bothered me was why in the world he was so happy and excited? (It needs dialogue.)
Revision 3: I told him I was pregnant. He said, "Are you sure?" "Of course I'm sure", as I showed him the pink lines. "I can't believe it! We're going to have a baby! That's amazing", were the words I was not expecting. (I added dialogue.)
This I Argue
Problem sentence 1: I look around in my cabinets and I struggle with deciding what to cook with dinner, rice or shells and cheese. Not the best choices but then I can look in my fridge and see that I could make a salad to go with it. The fresh lettuce and tomatoes can be just fine, but hey I also have cucumbers, carrots, and other fresh vegetables to add to it. (Wordy and seems to take away from the point.)
Revision 1: I look around in my cabinets and see easy processed food I could cook. I look some more and find that I could make a salad with a variety of healthy veggies. I don't always pick the healthy choice but I have choices. (Took out some words and made it more relevant.)
Problem sentence 2: That is a much healthier choice than anything that comes in a box. (Seems redundant from previous revision.)
Revision 2: (Took out sentence.)
Problem sentence 3: Every once in a while the local stores will have a few bananas but it is not an everyday thing. (Seems like a filler sentence.)
Revision 3: (Took out the sentence.)
This I Believe
Problem sentence 1: As I pull up in the driveway and get out of the car, I can smell the aroma of the honeysuckle trees on the side of the white house wit blue shutters. (It seems to be too long and wordy.)
Revision 1: As I pull in the driveway to the white house with blue shutters, I can smell the honeysuckles in the trees. (I took some words out.)
Problem sentence 2: This day is different though. (It doesn't say why the day is different and doesn't support the topic.)
Revision 2: (I took out the sentence.)
Problem sentence 3: I thought I talked like everyone else and never realized I ever had an accent. (It doesn't sound like it makes sense.)
Revision 3: I thought I talked like everyone else around me never realizing I have an accent. (I worded it where it sounds better.)
This I Wonder
Problem sentence 1: I never knew them and probably never will because the adoption laws in Missouri is that all adoptions are closed, meaning that no one knows who the birth parents are and they can't know anything about me. (It is wordy and could be reorganized.)
Revision 1: I never knew my birth parents and probably never will. In Missouri, all adoptions are closed which means neither party can know about the other one. I am on a list saying I would like to know them if they want, but that hasn't happened yet and as I get older the chances are less likely. (I took some words out and added sentences.)
Problem sentence 2: I am also on a list for the state to let their medical history be told to me because of medical issues I would like to be aware of. (It is wordy and could be added to prior sentence or left out due to lack of relevance.)
Revision 2: I am on a list saying I would like to know them if they want to know me and so I can learn family medical history, but that hasn't happened yet and as I get older the chances are less likely. (I added to the prior sentence.)
Problem sentence 3: Telling him was easy. What bothered me was why in the world he was so happy and excited? (It needs dialogue.)
Revision 3: I told him I was pregnant. He said, "Are you sure?" "Of course I'm sure", as I showed him the pink lines. "I can't believe it! We're going to have a baby! That's amazing", were the words I was not expecting. (I added dialogue.)
This I Argue
Problem sentence 1: I look around in my cabinets and I struggle with deciding what to cook with dinner, rice or shells and cheese. Not the best choices but then I can look in my fridge and see that I could make a salad to go with it. The fresh lettuce and tomatoes can be just fine, but hey I also have cucumbers, carrots, and other fresh vegetables to add to it. (Wordy and seems to take away from the point.)
Revision 1: I look around in my cabinets and see easy processed food I could cook. I look some more and find that I could make a salad with a variety of healthy veggies. I don't always pick the healthy choice but I have choices. (Took out some words and made it more relevant.)
Problem sentence 2: That is a much healthier choice than anything that comes in a box. (Seems redundant from previous revision.)
Revision 2: (Took out sentence.)
Problem sentence 3: Every once in a while the local stores will have a few bananas but it is not an everyday thing. (Seems like a filler sentence.)
Revision 3: (Took out the sentence.)